Early in our marriage, we lived in married student housing on the campus of the University of South Dakota. It was an extremely small apartment with a living room/kitchen combo, bedroom, and bathroom. We had to take the door off of our bedroom so our waterbed could fit. We were very cozy as a newlywed couple.

Before we were married, we attended marriage prep classes with our priest. One of the stories he mentioned was about a couple who received an obnoxious dish from a relative on their wedding day. The couple wasn’t sure what to do with this dish and didn’t want to disappoint their relative, so the priest said that they could use it whenever they needed to talk to each other. If there was a problem that needed to be discussed, the ugly dish was set on the table so the two of them knew that they needed to talk.

A few months into our marriage, I was encountering some issues in our relationship that I wanted to talk about but we were both incredibly busy with work and school we missed each other. (To be honest, I don’t even remember what I was upset about.) I also didn’t want to bring it up in the evening before we went to bed. Recalling the story from our priest, I got a pan out of our cupboard and set it on the table as a signal for us to talk. I was in the bedroom/bathroom and I heard Micky put the pan away. Ok, we are going to talk about this. Nope, he opened his nursing books and was studying. Well, I cannot just let this go, so I got the pan out again and set it on the table. A few minutes when by and I heard him put the pan away again. Maybe this time we can talk. Nope, he was busy reading and studying again. The third time I got the pan out I slammed it on the kitchen table so he knew I wanted to talk then. Micky confessed that he was wondering why the pan was left out, and he was just helping put it back in the cabinet.

It gives us a good laugh when we reminisce about our early days in our marriage. Two people are bringing their ideas, backgrounds, and perspectives into one family. In the almost 30 years of marriage, we have never raised our voices or fought with each other. Yes, we have had some disagreements and discussions throughout the years, but we have learned how to resolve our conflicts fairly.

• No name calling. No matter how heated the argument, your spouse’s name will not change. Are you trying to inflict hurt and pain or are you trying to win the argument?
• Mindfulness. Really think about what you want to convey to your spouse. Avoid “knee-jerk” reactions to what your spouse is saying. What do you really want to say to your spouse? How will what I say affect my partner?
• Use “I” statements. Using “I” statements is a way to be more loving and open to your spouse. It is less attacking and more love-giving.
• Clarifying. If you are unsure about where your spouse is coming from, ask questions. Make sure you know what their point of view is in an argument.
• No past history. Don’t re-visit past issues. They are over and settled.
• Stick to the subject. Get one issue settled before moving on to the next one.
• No cheap shots. Don’t use your spouse’s weakness to gain an advantage. You may win the argument, but you will definitely damage your relationship and cause hurt feelings. Remember what you are arguing about, not just trying to be right.
• Don’t go to bed angry. Your bedroom should be a warm, loving, and inviting place to end your day. If an argument cannot be resolved, table it to the next day and go to bed together instead of separately.
• Maintain a sense of humor. Laughter can be the best medicine. Good endorphins enter the body and can ease the tension in an argument. Then you are able to discuss any problems calmly and rationally.
• Hold hands. When holding hands in an argument, you are able to be focused on each other. You will be able to actively listen and have complete eye contact with each other.

Fear can be a huge barrier and openness suffers when we let that fear get in the way. During an argument, it is easy to be closed off and let the problem fester. But we cannot grow without risk. Your relationship must have honesty and openness as the foundation otherwise, the relationship will suffer. You need to share your feelings and what is in your heart now, not the feelings and events of the past.

Ask yourselves these questions before a conflict happens: Do I overreact when there is an argument? What can I do to avoid overreacting? What habits do we need to develop as a couple to argue fairly?