To be life-giving in your marriage, there has to be forgiveness and reconciliation. This means there are going to be times you will have to be vulnerable and share whatever it is you need forgiveness for. If you need to forgive your spouse, you will have to be open to listening to them and to open your heart so the healing process can begin.

Growth Through Forgiveness

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if one has a grievance against another; as the Lord has forgiven you, so must you also do. And over all these put on love, that is, the bond of perfection. And let the peace of Christ control your hearts, the peace into which you were also called in one body. And be thankful.

Colossians 3:12-15

I am not perfect. Neither is my husband. We will both make mistakes in our life and sometimes it will be towards each other. My growing in forgiveness stems back to my childhood. If I did something wrong to upset my parents, we apologized and moved on. We never asked for forgiveness. On occasion we would even repeat the same mistakes and say,”I’m Sorry!” and move on. Sometimes we would reminisce about the mistakes we made because there is a lot to learn from past mistakes but we never, ever asked for forgiveness.

Forgiveness takes an apology to a deeper level. Asking for forgiveness makes us vulnerable and internalizes the mistakes we made so change can happen. The changes made from asking forgiveness stays with us more than just apologizing and moving on. Forgiveness helps us to grow into better people.

I see that many times over with my students. Whenever I have a student who asks for forgiveness (it happens very rarely.) the behavior never repeats. If a student apologizes flippantly, I can guarantee that the behavior will reappear and the cycle of apologizing starts all over again. There is no learning going on within the student.

Barriers to Reconciliation

Reconciliation in a marriage is more difficult. It is saying that I am going to make things right by restoring the peace, trust, and love we had before the incident occurred that needed to be forgiven. There can be obstacles in the way to reconciliation.

1. When I have caused hurt feelings.
   • I’m right, so why should I ask for forgiveness?
   • It’s no big deal.
2. When I have been hurt.
   • Keeping peace at any price. Not wanting to confront the other.
   • Excusing it by telling yourself it doesn’t matter.
3. Why “I’m sorry” doesn’t work
   • It’s usually too casual.
   • The control is maintained by the person giving the apology, not the one giving forgiveness.

These barriers can inflict more pain and distance in a marriage because the incident is never truly resolved. I tend to lean towards keeping peace at any price thinking that what I have done is going to go away and I don’t want to hurt my husband with the mistakes I made. In reality, keeping my transgressions from him separates us further and our marriage suffers by letting pride, fear, and mistrust enter into it.

The Path to Forgiveness

For healing to take place in your marriage, if you need to be forgiven, the following steps will help you and your spouse

1. Ask for forgiveness – “Please forgive me for…”
   • Share any barriers your may have as to why it may be difficult to ask for forgiveness.
   • When asking for forgiveness, it transfers the control to the one who is to forgive.
   • There will be risk and vulnerability. But the beauty and the relief of being forgiven will be worth so much more.
   • You have to be willing to put in the work to change the mistake and to make things better in your marriage. It will take time to build trust to what it was once before.
2. Offering forgiveness – “I forgive you.”
   • Pride and hurt feelings will make forgiving your spouse difficult. There has to be a level of trust and openness to offer forgiveness. Pray for healing and strength during this difficult time.
   • Hurt feelings may not go away quickly after forgiving someone. It may take some time to get over.
3. Accepting forgiveness
   • If one does not ask for forgiveness, the feelings of guilt will continue to fester and your spouse will find out in other ways instead of you.
   • Forgiveness is a team effort. Both sides have to be open to come to the table to discuss the matter in a calm and life-giving way. Forgiveness is not one-sided.

Catholic engaged encounter, inc.. Catholic Engaged Encounter, Inc. (2021, February 8). Retrieved March 10, 2022, from https://engagedencounter.com/

Forgiveness is a difficult but beautiful process that once it is implemented in the right way, can strengthen your marriage. If you need forgiveness and healing in your marriage, pray together to be open to each other in a loving and respectful way. Let God work through the two of you to build those bonds of trust and love again just like He forgives us.