One of the most common challenges in marriage is the “crazy cycle,” a term coined by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in his book “Love and Respect.” You can get the book and workbook here. The crazy cycle is a pattern of negative communication and behavior that can lead to resentment and distance in a marriage. It often starts with one partner feeling unloved and the other feeling disrespected, creating a cycle of hurt and frustration.
Just recently, I was going from my job as a teacher, back home, to the store for groceries and supplies, and back to work again, over and over. I was emptying my bucket for everyone around me and yet felt that no one was filling my bucket. I was exhausted and felt unloved. I was a doormat. Even when my students would praise me, in my head, it wasn’t enough. The love and praise I really wanted was from my husband, but I was too selfish and swallowed up in my own pity party to even talk to him.
I was experiencing my own crazy cycle.
The first step in overcoming the crazy cycle is to recognize when it is happening. This can be done by paying attention to your own thoughts and feelings, as well as your partner’s. When you feel yourself getting upset or frustrated, take a step back and try to understand where those emotions are coming from. Similarly, when your partner is upset, try to listen and understand their perspective instead of getting defensive.
When the hurt was too much to keep bottled in, I did what a mother probably shouldn’t do…I talked to my son about my feelings. Luckily, it worked out in my favor because he talked about how he and his father go through the same feelings and that there was a lot on his mind. Our conversation helped a bit. It helped me to see my husband’s perspective.
Another helpful tool in overcoming the crazy cycle is communication. It is important to have open and honest communication with your partner, expressing your needs and feelings in a respectful manner. This can help break the cycle of negative communication and create a more positive and understanding dynamic in the relationship.
I came home after a rough and exhausting day at school and just headed to our bedroom. After getting into something more comfortable, I collapsed in front of our bed and just sobbed. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was lost for words. Afraid that if I shared my feelings, he would think that I was being selfish.
He heard my cries, came into our bedroom, and sat down next to me. He knew that I had a lot to say because I wasn’t looking him in the eyes. It was then that I had the freedom to express, finally, what I have wanted to say for the past month. It was a relief to get it out in the open. He told me his feelings about our situation. I was able to see his side and understand that he was just giving me space. In a matter of moments, my mood changed and I was feeling much better.
If you find that you and your partner are struggling to break the crazy cycle on your own, it may be beneficial to seek outside help. This can come in the form of marriage counseling or visiting with your clergy member. These resources can provide valuable insights and tools for navigating through the challenges of marriage and strengthening your relationship.
Marriage is a journey filled with both joys and challenges. By recognizing and addressing the crazy cycle, communicating openly and honestly, and seeking outside help when needed, you can overcome the challenges and build a strong and fulfilling marriage. Remember to always show love and respect to your partner, and to cherish the joys that come with being in a committed and loving relationship.
Have you experienced the crazy cycle in your marriage? How did you overcome it? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.