I have been teaching for 25 years and I see the same thing over and over again. The students who are doing well educationally, mentally, and socially have parents who are plugged in at home.

What do I mean by that? Well, these parents are invested in their education. They care about who their children represent when they are away from home. They have values and rules at home and they stick with them. There is no grey area. They trust their children and in turn, their children trust their parents.

I am no expert by any stretch of the imagination on parenting or teaching for that matter. I just know what works for our family and in my classroom. Here are some things that work well for us as a family.

Who Do You Represent?

We have taught our sons while they were growing up and more so now, whenever we leave the house, we are representing our family. All of our ideals and values in the home need to stay with us outside the home. So if we value being kind to others at home, they should be doing that away from our home. If I am leaving the house, I am going to be “put together” because I represent my family.

Words…Not Fighting

I am sad to say that I have seen too many of my sweet middle school students leave our building to head to the high school and think that fighting, rather than using their words and walking away, is the answer to their problems. Our middle son almost was involved in a situation like that.

As boys tend to do, our son and a friend of his were texting back and forth joking that they were going to “fight” after school. It was all in fun “boy humor”. But another student didn’t think it was so funny. At the end of the day our son was getting ready to leave when the other student cornered him in the hallway by his locker saying he was going to beat up our son before he fought with his friend. Our son explained it was a joke but this other kid didn’t believe him. Finally, our son was able to leave the building and was heading to his car. This other kid pulled our son’s backpack as he was getting into the car and wanted our son to throw the first punch. Our son said, “No,” and put his hands into his pocket. A swarm of students showed up to watch (and possibly record) a fight in the parking lot. This other kid tried to convince our son to throw the first punch but he refused. A couple of minutes into the argument an upperclassman showed up and took things into his own hands and saved our son from a beating. Unfortunately, the “hero” had an in-school suspension for the next couple of days. The assistant principal commended our son for not throwing punches and trying to use his words instead. We were proud of our son for being courageous and making the right choice.

Be Transparent

We are transparent with our sons when it comes to things that affect the whole family. When my husband decided it was time to make a change in jobs we sat down our boys and told them everything that was going on, everything that might happen with the change and that we were going to do everything that we can to make sure that it will not affect them in any way. We tell them our mistakes, show them that we can overcome those mistakes and that we are human. It teaches our sons when the chips are down and you fight like hell, you can come out the other side stronger. Also, sitting them down and being transparent shows them that we trust them and they can trust us. Which leads me to…

Be Trusting

We don’t have a specific curfew with our sons when they are out with friends. We just tell them, “Get home at a reasonable time.” We can trust them that they won’t be coming home at 3 or 4 in the morning. All we ask is that they check in if plans change. A simple text message saying they are hanging out with friends after school or the weather is bad so they are staying over at a friend’s house.

We do have a locator app Life 360 that we use for everyone in the family just so we know where each other is. If there is a deviation to their plan and they didn’t text us about it, then we have a discussion about it and go from there depending on how serious it is.

Have Conversations

I have a fantastic relationship with all of our sons but most specifically my youngest. Maybe it’s because I’m the oldest in my family…I don’t know. But I love the conversations we can have because when we talk, I don’t judge, I don’t give off the impression of a punisher; I’m just there as a caring mother, a soft place to fall when his world is falling to pieces. We can talk about anything and I am really enjoying this “bonding” time we have together.

Be a Model

I will never forget a couple of years ago my family and I were at a restaurant and in the next booth were two adult couples and two young girls around the age of three. During their conversations, I couldn’t help but notice that the adults were visiting as though the little girls were not there. Lots of expletives were said around the table loud enough for us to hear in the next booth so you know the little girls were hearing it too. I asked our boys, “What are those girls learning at the next table?” Their answers were: “That it is ok to swear.” “That it is a common language.” “That’s how big people talk.” Exactly! Then I asked them, ” What is going to happen to those girls when they swear for the first time?” They all said, “She’s going to be in big trouble.” Exactly! We as parents have to model the behavior we would like our children to have even when we are with our friends. They are watching us very carefully and learning from us!

As I have said, these things are what works for us. It may not for your family. Do what works for you. Be involved with your children and be a part of their lives. They are only with us for a little while. Give them the tools they need to be successful ….it all starts at home.

What works for you and your family? Please comment.