This is a rant…

This past week was a rollercoaster.

I started the week in a great mood. My students would be working on their projects, my 8th-grade Science kiddos were working on an assignment about heat and temperature, and we would be watching the student-created videos in my FLEX classes. I had fun tools in my “weird stuff” box to make things fun and interesting in my classroom. Bubbles, google-eyed stickers, and confetti were ready.

Then Wednesday came. The morning went on without a hitch until my Science class arrived. My optimism and happiness quickly descended into despair and hopelessness. The students were taking an open book, open note quiz on the lesson we just covered. Every 5 seconds, “Mrs. Neilan, I can’t find this. Can you help?” “Did you look it up, did you search your textbook?” “Uh-huh. Is the answer this?” They were ducks pecking me to death.

After that fiasco I felt defeated. I turned internally wondering what I did wrong. Why couldn’t my students find information in a text? Did I need to teach them how to skim for answers? Were they just lazy and wanted to be “spoon-fed”? I had zero answers and felt like I was drowning. Hopefully, Thursday would be better.

It wasn’t. I had a couple of students that morning take advantage of my generosity by stealing candy from my candy jar when my back was turned. (Thank goodness for my snitchers in class.) My Science class became udder chaos when one student jumped on the back of another student who stole his hat on Hat Day. With all that was going on in my personal life, the upcoming dance I was getting ready for our school, and now this…I became unglued. I stood up from my desk. And with all of the anger and frustration that was boiling inside of me, I released. I screamed, “SIT DOWN!! AND DON’T MOVE UNTIL LUNCH!!!!” Everyone in my room was silent and two minutes later, the bell rang.

Dissapointed, discouraged, alone, and feeling like a failure, I sat in my classroom during lunch in tears. I could no longer take it. With eyeliner smeared and rubbing off from the tears, I headed to the teacher’s bathroom to pull myself together. The secretaries in the office were worried with concern and asked me if I was OK. All I could muster to tell them was that I would be fine.

After about an hour I took my concerns to my Assistant Principal. I wanted to separate the hellion four in my classroom but I knew this would never happen. I received the standard answer I have had the past 25 years: document the behaviors, send them to the office, send them to the ISS room, contact parents. Yes, I am documenting the behaviors so the parents will know, I am not sending them out of my room because they will come back to my classroom with no apology and a slap on the hand. I went back to my room and cried some more. I didn’t want to talk to people, see people, or be around anyone. I went home absolutely dejected.

It’s Friday! Finally! Things have to get better. The students were excited because they were able to wear their Halloween costumes to school and at the end of the day was the reward dance my son and I were DJ’ing. Just so my son and I had enough time to set up before it started with the fifth and sixth grade at 1 o’clock, I had to bring my Science class with me to help setup. I was extremely terrified to say the least. How were they going to behave with my focus on two jobs (I would have had a substitute, but they are in short supply this year.). Luckily, they were good for me. I had a handful of students helping me out and we had things up quickly. The others were on their laptops or phones and visiting on the floor. Whew! I was feeling relieved and hopeful that things were going to go well.

As the 5th grade was heading out to recess after lunch, they were excited and already dancing out the door and couldn’t wait for the dance to start. This was getting me pumped for the party.

Friday, 1:00pm. The 5th and 6th grade were gathering in the center of the gym. I had everyone sit down and ran through the expectations for the dance so everyone was safe and had a good time. We got started and had a blast for the entire hour. No issues whatsoever. So far so good.

2:05…Time for the 7th and 8th grade. I had the students do the same thing as the group before. I was going through the expectations: no running, no horseplay or jumping on people’s backs, no food or drink on the dancefloor. All of a sudden, a group of students were running to the concession stand! I had to call them back several times before they listened to me to return to our group. So this is how things are going to go. Great! Ugh!

We finally got the dance started and as I expected, it was an ordeal. I had to stop the dance 3 times for horseplay and food and drinks on the dancefloor. I thought these kiddos were the older ones of the school? I felt so bad for the good kids who were having a good time. It was the first time since becoming a DJ that I didn’t have a good time. Let this nightmare end!!

Thank God for my sons! They were my support and strength during the setup, dance, and take-down of the equipment and also lended an ear to listen to my frustrations about everything this week. I returned home wondering what was happening in my life and what am I supposed to learn from this.

Saturday I was looking for something different to do. I looked at the job opportunities in the diocese I am a part of. An assistant to the faith formation director was open and I seriously considered it. I would be doing secretarial work for a nun in the church. Peaceful, calm, and getting closer to my faith…it was something I was craving. I was considering it.

But I am not a quitter. Especially, not in the middle of the school year. So that job opportunity will have come and gone for me. Later that night, our priest during his homily, said something I needed to hear. He said to not give up on God and what he has done for you. God has paved the road for me to do my dream job, even though it may seem like a nightmare right now. I am supposed to be in my classroom, with these children that walk into my door. I cannot give up now.

Maybe this week will be better. Fingers crossed!