I am going to step aside from my Lenten series on Building a Better Marriage to be a bit more personal. This has been a difficult one for me to write because I am putting my heart and soul into this posting.

For as long as I can remember, and to this day, I am a helper and I give to others. Over the past couple of years, I have found it a burden. In my heart, I know that is the right thing to do. In my head, it’s telling me it’s time to be selfish. If you are like me, then you will get where I’m coming from.

Afraid to Ask for Help and Accept Help

I am a control freak and a perfectionist. Thank you, therapy is going well. Just kidding! Getting me to designate work for others is almost impossible. I would rather do the task myself because in my head I’m telling myself, “I’m going to have to do it over, anyway.” Here’s a question: How many of you re-organize the dishwasher after you have your significant other or children fill it? Me…Every…Single…Time! We have one son that fills it the wrong way on purpose, so I don’t ask him to do it again.

I have a warped view of accepting help. When someone offers to help me with anything, in my head I put myself down thinking that I don’t deserve the help. I also think about why I can’t do it myself. Sometimes when I can’t possibly do it on my own I accept the help, but inside it is killing me.

Putting More Into Other People’s Buckets…and Ignoring Mine

Before I became a mother, a teacher friend of mine told me that teaching changes once you become a mom. She was so spot on about that. My teaching changed once I had our sons. I became more compassionate, listened to my students more, and gave of myself to my family and students more. Everything that I wanted or needed to do for myself was placed on the back burner, never to be looked at again. I placed everyone else’s needs before my own.

Over time, my brushing-off of my own needs was building an enormous wall that was hard to see around. It was also training the people in my world that they could rely on me to be there no matter the circumstance. People would ‘use’ me and the vicious cycle would repeat itself. This leads me to…

Craving Approval from others

I learned early in my life that I am a people-pleaser. There is a rush to see people happy with what I do for them. I can’t stand seeing people disappointed or upset when I cannot help them or meet their expectations. It all started when my parents needed me to clean my bedroom. I craved their approval on my organization and neatness and it almost became an obsession for me. I would rather see the smiles and joy on my parents’ faces instead of the sting of discipline. I feel unworthy if I don’t get approval from others for what I have completed in my life. This has seeped into my marriage as well. I am always looking for approval from my husband daily. I will do whatever it takes to make sure he is happy. The problem with seeking approval from others is I become a “doormat”. I become submissive to others’ needs so I can get my cravings pacified.

Compliments Are Difficult to Hear

Even though I seek approval from others, when they do compliment me, in my heart I don’t know what to do with that. I am beyond humbled whenever someone gives me positive feedback. For the past couple of years, our family was going through a difficult situation. I was sitting with my parents in our living room and they told me how strong I was through the entire ordeal and how proud they were of me. When my husband surprised me with a weekend away, I told him, “thank you for the mini-vacay”, and he told me I deserved it. I wasn’t sure what to think. Let me take you into a glimpse of what was going on inside me.

My head: Damn straight, you deserve it. You have worked hard keeping everything together and being the glue for your family.

My heart: I don’t deserve this. I was just committing to my responsibilities of being a good wife and mother, and that is what I am supposed to do.

It is a constant battle between my head and my heart.

Impression That I Have it All Under Control

I strive to look like I have it all under control. It is my job as a wife, mother, and teacher to portray a sense of calm and “glass is half-full” type of attitude. If I look like I am falling to pieces, my universe crumbles. Even as a young mother, I prided myself on making sure that others would see that I had my sons under control, that they were well dressed, and that parenting was easy. If my husband was working at the hospital all weekend. No problem. I will take two toddlers and a newborn to church alone and it will be easy-peasy.

Was it easy? Of course not! I rolled through the Mass as if I was in control. But once I was home, feeling like a failure, I would cower in the silence of my room, pray to God, and let the tears fall.

I have had many situations where it looked like I have it all together. Just put on a smile and work it all out. Inside my head, I was freaking out.

Over the years, I have learned how to cope with my do-gooder-ness. I am getting better with compliments. I am working on saying “No” to people who need help (but not to everyone), and I am progressing with craving validation from people. It’s a work in progress.